Camouflage

Peter and I went to Florida this past week and the very first day, I managed to scrape my foot on the bottom of the pool. Luckily, I found a Band-Aid in my bag and put it on.

Later, at the Boma buffet restaurant in the Animal Kingdom Lodge, otherwise known as "The Place Where You Should Put Down Those French Fries and Chicken Fingers and Get Some of That POT ROAST and RIBS and Potatoes with AFRITUDE," Peter looks down at my foot and said:

"Why did you take off your Band-Aid?"

I told him that it was still on and he looked at my foot closely and said:

"Wow. I think you're the first person I've ever known who actually has Band-Aid-colored skin."

I'm Special

I took my sister to get Jamba Juice today and ordered two small juices. She got hers and then when it was my turn, the juice-maker guy handed me a medium size, which is practically double the size that I ordered. I looked at it, then looked at my sister's, then looked at my receipt.

The juice-maker guy smiles at me and says:

I know you ordered the small, but you're special!

When we left the store, Jenny said:

I loved your reaction to that, it was like, "Thanks for noticing!"

Bathroom Conversation

Why are there two tubes of toothpaste in the medicine cabinet?

Because one of them is finished.

Why didn't you throw out the old tube of toothpaste?

I saved it for you.

...why?

You're a squeezer of greater patience and capacity than I am.

A Normal Person

We are going to Florida in about two weeks and we're trying to find a new dog kennel in the area to house the dogs. There are several places near Mt. Kisco, but they all want to charge you two arms and a leg to board. So, during an investigative internet search, I came across this place called Carmel Country Kennels. The price was attractive, but it is about thirty minutes away according to Mapquest. Today, we traveled to Carmel to check it out.

It was sort of a nightmare trip, complete with crazy downpours of rain, arguments with the Garmin (We did not go where she told us to go and for revenge, she picked every non-paved dirt road for us to navigate. Garmina is SUCH a bitch), and about ONE HOUR later, we finally arrive at the kennel.

Peter drives up to what we think is the office, and there's lettering on the door that says HONK YOU CAR HORN. I'm wondering, do we honk? Where's the front desk? Also, he's driven a bit too far in, and the bit of pavement is a bit narrow so he tries to U turn.

A lady appears at the doorway and Peter lowers our windshield to say to her:

"It just took us a solid hour to get here!"

She says in her ratty chain-smoker voice:

"Instead of trying to make a U, why don't you back out LIKE A NORMAL PERSON."

Of course, we are already having reservations about making this terrible drive ever again, the place looked kind of unkempt and now there's this rude lady.

Peter, like a NORMAL PERSON, backs out of the little paved area, drives down the gravel road...all the way home.

Fletch Lives Around Mount Kisco

For the 4th of July, Peter and I invited my parents, my grandmother, and my sisters to our home. We spend every 4th of July with my parents for the simple fact that - for some reason - it's the one day that they close down the restaurant.

It was also the first time I had anyone in my family besides my sister Jenny over at the new place. I was a bit embarrassed because there are cable wires masking taped all over the condo and three huge server machines in the dining room. I almost didn't want them to come over, because I wanted to wait until the place looked perfect.

But the funny thing was that my parents didn't even seem to notice them. It's like when you have a glaring pimple on your forehead, and you are convinced that everyone is grossed out, but when you mention it, they just go, "Oh, I didn't even see it."

For dinner, we went over to La Camelia, a restaurant that is literally around the corner from where we live.

I've been wanting to try it for quite some time, but the last time Peter and I walked over there, it was crazy packed and when I asked them if they had any vegetarian meals, the host said, "Of course, we have vegetarian paella, salmon..."

Right, since salmon is our favorite VEGETABLE. Peter turned tail and ran out of the place.

As it turned out, on July 4th, they did have a couple of vegetarian things and Peter ate and was very happy. The food was really good and everyone had a good time.

Toward the end of the meal, I look up and I see a tall guy and I say to myself, "Wow, that guy looks a lot like Chevy Chase, except he's really old. I mean, he's even wearing a safari vest just like in his movies."

I look over at Peter and he whispers in my ear, "That's Chevy Chase."

I tell him that the guy looks way too old and Peter says, "Chevy Chase IS old."

It was funny, because Chevy Chase walked around the restaurant, scoping out the diners, to see if there would be anyone who would hassle him before letting the waiter show him to a table.

My sister Jenny said, "Well, if he didn't want to be recognized, he shouldn't wear his safari vest, because then he's just ASKING FOR IT."

A Bad News First Person

I bought two seedless watermelons from Costco last week and the other day I opened one up. It was one of those over-ripe ones, no crispness, just a mouthful of what we called in my family, "whoo whoo," which means something that makes your mouth feel like it's full of wet sand.

Two days after the unfortunate watermelon incident, I opened up the other one, which was as sweet as the other one was "whoo whoo."

I told Peter that we should have opened this one first, and he said that would have been worse.

"Because then we would be looking forward to opening up the other watermelon, thinking that it was going to be as good as this one, and we would have been WAY MORE DISAPPOINTED."

The Greatest Movies

Last night Peter and I watched the AFI special on the 100 Greatest Movies of all time. We love shows like this, with film clips and people talking about their favorite movies.

When the list got to 50, Peter suggested that we try to predict the first 50 movies - which is something we like to do. A few weeks ago, while watching a Friends episode where Ross had to name all fifty states, we decided to take on that challenge (and we were almost defeated by IDAHO!!).

We predicted so many movies that were NOT on the list including:

Witness
The Untouchables
Field of Dreams
Dances With Wolves
(I say Diehard should be on this list, but I know it would never be)
Fight Club
Malcolm X
Reservoir Dogs

We decided that we are going to create our own list of the greatest films of all time.

Cheating on My Garmin

Yesterday I drove my mother's Pilot, which has a different gps than the wonderful device that is our Garmin. It kept tripping me up because the navigational lady didn't tell me when to turn until it was too late. Our Garmin lady tells me about 0.2 miles before the turn, and once more at the turn, so I kept missing crucial turns. I turned to my sister and said, "My gps lady is so much better than yours."

She said, "What? Just because she isn't constantly jabbering away?"

A Good Example of a Bad Example

My sister was over this weekend and we've been keeping up with the whole Paris Hilton thing. The one thing that we don't understand is why Paris Hilton's attorney is so indignant about the fact that she is being used as an example.

"Isn't that the whole purpose of a justice system?" Jenny said. "Someone does something illegal, everyone sees what happens to him. Everyone is now too too scared to do the same thing."

J Mascis = Saruman

We went to the Dinosaur Jr. concert the other day and I discovered something. J Mascis is Saruman!!

Breaking New Ground

I recently watched the movie "The Brothers Grimm" starring Matt Damon and Heath Ledger. The movie was so terrible that it was a pioneer in terribleness, breaking new ground in the field of terrible.

I mean, the funding of this movie could have fed starving Sudanese children for weeks. My sister said that there were some movies that warrant the obscene operating expense of Hollywood, but this one is just ridiculous.

The producers must have gotten their hands on a steamy sex tape featuring Matt Damon and Heath Ledger. That would be the only explanation.

Everyone who watches DVDs with me knows that I am a sucker for the Special Features of any DVD I watch, and when I clicked on the screen, we saw that this DVD contained DELETED SCENES.

I can't even imagine how bad those deleted scenes might be, I'm afraid to see them.

Teenage Drinking Isn't Just About Teenage Drinking

While watching the news the other day, there was a report on teens drinking at the prom. There are a lot of proms taking place in catering halls in New Rochelle and the New Rochelle police departments are inspecting limos and confiscating any alcohol they find.

A police officer was interviewed saying:

"Teenage drinking isn't just about teenage drinking; it's about teenage drinking, date rape..."

That'll Teach Them

Peter and I watched an episode of Cheaters today and this show horrifies me, not because the show is about cheaters who get caught on television, because THAT would entertain me.

This show does not fool me. Most of the couples are completely staged, with the fake crying and the hidden cameras placed just where the action is. As punishment, I told Peter that he should call them so that they can waste a few days tailing me.

The report would look like this:

"Here's your wife sitting on the sofa watching T.V. and eating Terra Chips."

"Here she is taking out the dogs."

"Here's your wife going to Target and arguing with the customer service people...again."

You Aren't Going To Eat That Are You?

Peter and I finally brought his mother to my dad's Japanese restaurant. She looked completely uncomfortable, but wouldn't do anything to fix the situation. The is like what my sister Judy used to do in the wintertime when she was eight. She NEVER took her coat off, so we would be in a nice, well-heated place like my mom's friend's house and beads of sweat would be collecting on her forehead and sliding down her face, but if you even mildly suggested the she take off her coat, she would throw a tantrum.

Anyway, Peter's mother looked incredibly stiff and every time we gave her something to eat, she made a face as if we were suggesting she place the sushi into another orifice.

So for Mother's Day, I suggested that we could spend the day together with both mothers at the restaurant because my mom had to be there that day. Since Peter's mother refused to go again, we decided to go to her house first before going to the restaurant.

When we got there, Peter told her that we weren't going to be eating a lot because we were going to eat at the restaurant. Plus, she only ever makes two things and now we are sick of ravioli and manicotti.

Her response was, "You have to eat here, that isn't REAL food."

Nice, right?

Of course, right in the middle of the meal, my mother called and when I went to answer the phone, I saw a MOUSE!!!!

So it took Peter about a half-hour to trap the mouse into a bucket and tape the bottom of the bucket to a piece of cardboard. Why did he do this when it's much easier to just whack the mouse over the head with a broom? Well, if you're asking this question, you just don't know my husband.

After the mouse incident, we didn't have much of an appetite. We couldn't really eat the whole rest of the day, so the discovery is that seeing a mouse at your mother-in-law's house is really great for the new diet we're both on.

And the food at my mom's is way more appetizing. At least MY MOM doesn't have mice at HER PLACE.

Lives Are Changed

On my Digital Video Recorder, last night's Oprah show was:

Wishes are granted, dreams come true and lives are changed.

Whew! That's some show!

Larry King is s'old

I watched the Larry King show last night, the one in which he is interviewed by Katie Couric. He said he has interviewed Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Eleanor Roosevelt!

All that, AND he's been married more times than King Henry VIII.

Celebrity Sighting

I have this uncanny knack of never recognizing anyone famous. My college art professor took us to the Whitney Museum one time, and since I wore these really uncomfortable shoes, I lagged behind everyone else and sat on a wooden bench alone in an exhibit room.

A man walked in. I looked over at him and thought to myself, "Wow, that guy looks just like Jack Nicholson...and he's even wearing sunglasses indoors."

A few minutes later, a stampede of women raced into the room, shouting, "Jack Nicholson's in the house! Jack Nicholson's in the house."

The point of this story? If I can't recognize Jack Nicholson, what good am I at celebrity sightings?

So far, I've not recognized Julie Andrews, Julianne Margolise, Jerry Seinfeld, and...oh yes, I walked right into Jimmy Fallon outside a Starbucks and didn't know it until Peter told me.

So last week, while we were in Manhattan, a man with a really shaggy mustache walked past the car and I said, "Hey look! That's Geraldo!"

Peter looked over and said, "That's really funny...Actually, I think that is Geraldo."

Mithery thuckth

Last week, right after my sister got her wisdom tooth pulled, I drove to the dentist's office to pick her up. I drove past the office by accident and had to pull around. As I made a U-turn, I saw someone waddling toward me, someone who was holding something to her face. She got a bit too close and I thought to myself:

"What is that retarded Hispanic girl doing? I she trying to get run over by me?"

After I did the U-turn, I saw the same girl turn around and waddle toward me and I realized that the retarded Hispanic girl was my sister.

Her face was so swollen that I didn't recognize her.

Later, during the car ride, she asked me if I had seen the movie, Babel and I said no, was it good?

She said:

"It wath a two-and-a-half hour ethplorathion into the depths of human mithery."

What Would We Do Without the Internet?

Before the internet, we sang along to songs on the radio without knowing what the lyrics were. For instance:

Blinded by the light.
Revved up like a douch in the middle of the night.

This is what the Springsteen song lyrics are in actuality:

Blinded by the light
Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night

I do believe I like mine better.

Please Don't Flip For Me

My sister came over and we spent a really fun weekend applying ice packs to her recently removed wisdom tooth. Sometimes we have house guests who drive us crazy with their incessant demands and then Peter and I huddle in our bedroom whispering about how annoying they are. My sister was perfectly behaved. Peter was introduced to the joy of having a younger sibling around. Which means that we didn't have to get up off of our fat-asses to get a bottle of Aquafina from the fridge. Jenny, you go get that.

There was a Nor-easter blowing across the country so I actually woke up before noon - I woke up at 8am(!!!!!) to make her a nice breakfast and see her on her way before the heavy rains set in.

Two hours later, I get a phone call from her, and this is what she said:

"I got into an accident. The car flipped over twice and it's totally trashed, but I'm fine."

Of course, being raised the way I was, into thinking that ANYTHING happening to my siblings is somehow MY FAULT, my brain careened into all the different things I could have done differently (I was raised by people who told me that I was the only one who could cure my developmentally disabled sister).

Even though Jenny got into the worst car accident in the history of our family, I am extremely grateful that she's fine. That she escaped unharmed except for some smiley-face shaped bruises. Especially in the light of what happened in Virginia, and all those people who died during the storm, and all the flooding that has been going on around here, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Later I calmed down and realized that you can't control it all. Sometimes, you just have to take the car keys away. I've been trying to convince my parents not to let Jenny drive until she's thirty, because my heart? It just can't take this.