Teenage Drinking Isn't Just About Teenage Drinking

While watching the news the other day, there was a report on teens drinking at the prom. There are a lot of proms taking place in catering halls in New Rochelle and the New Rochelle police departments are inspecting limos and confiscating any alcohol they find.

A police officer was interviewed saying:

"Teenage drinking isn't just about teenage drinking; it's about teenage drinking, date rape..."

That'll Teach Them

Peter and I watched an episode of Cheaters today and this show horrifies me, not because the show is about cheaters who get caught on television, because THAT would entertain me.

This show does not fool me. Most of the couples are completely staged, with the fake crying and the hidden cameras placed just where the action is. As punishment, I told Peter that he should call them so that they can waste a few days tailing me.

The report would look like this:

"Here's your wife sitting on the sofa watching T.V. and eating Terra Chips."

"Here she is taking out the dogs."

"Here's your wife going to Target and arguing with the customer service people...again."

You Aren't Going To Eat That Are You?

Peter and I finally brought his mother to my dad's Japanese restaurant. She looked completely uncomfortable, but wouldn't do anything to fix the situation. The is like what my sister Judy used to do in the wintertime when she was eight. She NEVER took her coat off, so we would be in a nice, well-heated place like my mom's friend's house and beads of sweat would be collecting on her forehead and sliding down her face, but if you even mildly suggested the she take off her coat, she would throw a tantrum.

Anyway, Peter's mother looked incredibly stiff and every time we gave her something to eat, she made a face as if we were suggesting she place the sushi into another orifice.

So for Mother's Day, I suggested that we could spend the day together with both mothers at the restaurant because my mom had to be there that day. Since Peter's mother refused to go again, we decided to go to her house first before going to the restaurant.

When we got there, Peter told her that we weren't going to be eating a lot because we were going to eat at the restaurant. Plus, she only ever makes two things and now we are sick of ravioli and manicotti.

Her response was, "You have to eat here, that isn't REAL food."

Nice, right?

Of course, right in the middle of the meal, my mother called and when I went to answer the phone, I saw a MOUSE!!!!

So it took Peter about a half-hour to trap the mouse into a bucket and tape the bottom of the bucket to a piece of cardboard. Why did he do this when it's much easier to just whack the mouse over the head with a broom? Well, if you're asking this question, you just don't know my husband.

After the mouse incident, we didn't have much of an appetite. We couldn't really eat the whole rest of the day, so the discovery is that seeing a mouse at your mother-in-law's house is really great for the new diet we're both on.

And the food at my mom's is way more appetizing. At least MY MOM doesn't have mice at HER PLACE.

Lives Are Changed

On my Digital Video Recorder, last night's Oprah show was:

Wishes are granted, dreams come true and lives are changed.

Whew! That's some show!

Larry King is s'old

I watched the Larry King show last night, the one in which he is interviewed by Katie Couric. He said he has interviewed Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Eleanor Roosevelt!

All that, AND he's been married more times than King Henry VIII.

Celebrity Sighting

I have this uncanny knack of never recognizing anyone famous. My college art professor took us to the Whitney Museum one time, and since I wore these really uncomfortable shoes, I lagged behind everyone else and sat on a wooden bench alone in an exhibit room.

A man walked in. I looked over at him and thought to myself, "Wow, that guy looks just like Jack Nicholson...and he's even wearing sunglasses indoors."

A few minutes later, a stampede of women raced into the room, shouting, "Jack Nicholson's in the house! Jack Nicholson's in the house."

The point of this story? If I can't recognize Jack Nicholson, what good am I at celebrity sightings?

So far, I've not recognized Julie Andrews, Julianne Margolise, Jerry Seinfeld, and...oh yes, I walked right into Jimmy Fallon outside a Starbucks and didn't know it until Peter told me.

So last week, while we were in Manhattan, a man with a really shaggy mustache walked past the car and I said, "Hey look! That's Geraldo!"

Peter looked over and said, "That's really funny...Actually, I think that is Geraldo."

Mithery thuckth

Last week, right after my sister got her wisdom tooth pulled, I drove to the dentist's office to pick her up. I drove past the office by accident and had to pull around. As I made a U-turn, I saw someone waddling toward me, someone who was holding something to her face. She got a bit too close and I thought to myself:

"What is that retarded Hispanic girl doing? I she trying to get run over by me?"

After I did the U-turn, I saw the same girl turn around and waddle toward me and I realized that the retarded Hispanic girl was my sister.

Her face was so swollen that I didn't recognize her.

Later, during the car ride, she asked me if I had seen the movie, Babel and I said no, was it good?

She said:

"It wath a two-and-a-half hour ethplorathion into the depths of human mithery."

What Would We Do Without the Internet?

Before the internet, we sang along to songs on the radio without knowing what the lyrics were. For instance:

Blinded by the light.
Revved up like a douch in the middle of the night.

This is what the Springsteen song lyrics are in actuality:

Blinded by the light
Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night

I do believe I like mine better.

Please Don't Flip For Me

My sister came over and we spent a really fun weekend applying ice packs to her recently removed wisdom tooth. Sometimes we have house guests who drive us crazy with their incessant demands and then Peter and I huddle in our bedroom whispering about how annoying they are. My sister was perfectly behaved. Peter was introduced to the joy of having a younger sibling around. Which means that we didn't have to get up off of our fat-asses to get a bottle of Aquafina from the fridge. Jenny, you go get that.

There was a Nor-easter blowing across the country so I actually woke up before noon - I woke up at 8am(!!!!!) to make her a nice breakfast and see her on her way before the heavy rains set in.

Two hours later, I get a phone call from her, and this is what she said:

"I got into an accident. The car flipped over twice and it's totally trashed, but I'm fine."

Of course, being raised the way I was, into thinking that ANYTHING happening to my siblings is somehow MY FAULT, my brain careened into all the different things I could have done differently (I was raised by people who told me that I was the only one who could cure my developmentally disabled sister).

Even though Jenny got into the worst car accident in the history of our family, I am extremely grateful that she's fine. That she escaped unharmed except for some smiley-face shaped bruises. Especially in the light of what happened in Virginia, and all those people who died during the storm, and all the flooding that has been going on around here, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Later I calmed down and realized that you can't control it all. Sometimes, you just have to take the car keys away. I've been trying to convince my parents not to let Jenny drive until she's thirty, because my heart? It just can't take this.

Is Anyone Up for Buffet?

Peter and I went to an Indian restaurant for their buffet lunch. The buffet is supposed to go on until 2:30pm, and we arrived at 2:00pm to find the last dregs of the day's lunch. No more food came out, and there were only unsatisfying bits of chicken in the Makhanwala - the only dish I really like.

Later, this HUGE guy in a blue parka takes a spoon from the Bhindi Masala and accidentally drops it on the floor.

What would you do in this situation?

1. Give the spoon to waitstaff.
2. Put the spoon on the table.
3. Put the spoon back into the food.

The dude put the spoon BACK INTO THE FOOD!!!!

I looked around the room, expecting the waitstaff to whisk the pot away and appear with a fresh pot. But the only waitstaff who saw the man do this looked around with confusion, and then decided to ignore the whole thing altogether.

Needless to say, Peter and I are no longer going back to this restaurant.

Okay, so now we no longer go to the Indian Restaurant in Mount Kisco (closing down one hour early incident), The Flying Pig Restaurant (gross chicken bits incident), Temptation Tea House (rude waitress incident), Cosi (bad waitress incident), Bangkok Thai (chicken in Peter's vegetarian Pad Thai incidents - twice!), Pizza & Brew (lower food quality incident), and many other restaurants in Westchester because the food just isn't really very good.

The list of restaurants we won't frequent again just grows and grows.

And you know the grossest part of the whole lunch? The guy who put the dirty spoon back into the pot went back for seconds! Using the same dirty spoon!

Next Time I Will Say Jambo!

I was walking down Stanton Street today in downtown Manhattan and a black guy walking in the other direction said, "Ahnyeeahsayo."

First of all, I am NOT Korean. Secondly, I do not look Korean. This annoys me about ten times more than when people say "Kombahnwah," to me. And twenty times more than when people say, "Ni-hoooooooow."

Yes, I am ASIAN. But I am AMERICAN.

Next time a black guy says hello to me in an Asian language, I am going to say to him:

JAMBO!

Countdown to HOUSEGUESTS!!!!

Peter and I have finally gotten around to finishing up the bathroom project - or rather, the nice people we have hired to put in the new bathroom are almost finished.

I am very excited, especially because this means that now everything that needs to be painted has been painted. And everything that needs to be bought has been bought. Now I can set everything up to our liking, just in time to move out...just kidding.

We already have a waiting list full of people ready to come over and have my very delicious sour cream lemon pancakes for brunch the next day. (C'mon, I don't get up early enough to have actual BREAKFAST)

Plus, we are walking distance from TARGET!!!! Isn't that enough of a reason to visit?

Cate Blanchett is Great, I Just Haven't Seen Any of Her Movies

I asked Peter yesterday who his favorite actress was and he said, "Cate Blanchett."

I said, "Oh, really? Name one movie she's done that you've seen."

"Uhhhm...uhhh...."

"You can't think of one?"

"What? Should I say Sandra Bullock, just because I've seen ALL of her CRAPPY movies?"

Brad Pitt and Don Cheadle? Exactly the Same.

I have been wanting to get a new mobile phone for the past month. And since I have the Verizon Wireless 2-year $100 credit, I've been lurking Verizon stores the past few days.

Every time I go to a store, the salespeople tell me the phone I want is a different price. Apparently, mobile phone prices change all the time, like ocean tides. Oh, did I say this cost $99? No, it is actually $150. Did I say $150? It was on sale for $39 up until yesterday, but today it is $150. Oh, did you think that you had a $100 credit because you have the 2-year $100 credit? Oh, no. You need to subtract a $20 activation fee. So it's actually 2-years $80. That's in the fine print.

I went to the Verizon store on Bedford Ave in Mount Kisco, and I asked a simple question about the phone. But then I saw another phone and asked:

"What's the difference between these two phones?"

The answer?

"They're exactly the same."

Oh really? The Motorola Krazr and the LG 8300 are exactly the same?

That's like saying Brad Pitt and Don Cheadle? Oh, they're exactly the same.

My sister said that they purposely make things really difficult so that you will be overwhelmed and say, "Okay, this one, I'll pay $100 for this one. Now can I go home?"

Right, but I'm not built that way. I'm more like, "Huh? I can't handle this right now. I need to go home and take a nap."

My Next Party Will Be a Goddess Party

There is one television show that has overtaken the nation and my living room. And this season, what with the woman with the fake leg, Dancing With the Stars is good American fun.

The scenes that are ridiculous, the ones that make me cringe, are not the dancing scenes, but rather the scenes of celebrities in their real life.

Leeza Gibbons actually said, "My 50th birthday party was a goddess party."

Cut to scenes of children in togas dancing for the birthday goddess.

I turned to Peter and said, "Why, that's a great idea! Our next party should be a GODDESS PARTY."

Trying For a Good Baby

I am reading a book that was the winner of the 2005 Orange Prize, a book I wanted to read because I am also working on a epistolary novel.

HOWEVER, I am also working on trying to have a baby and people who are trying to have a baby should NOT READ "We Need to Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver. Because it is a book about a woman who ends up having an evil baby.

This baby goes on a killing rampage at his school and the whole book is about the mother whining about how she never wanted to give up her career for a baby.

I think people who don't want to have babies should not have babies, because they will turn out to be evil, or at least turn out to be just another guy who cuts people off on highways. And really, who needs more of those people?

Peter said something really sweet today. He said:

I hope we don't have a girl, because she's going to be gorgeous and I won't know what to do.

And I said:

Especially if she turns out to be a slut.

He moaned and dropped his head into his hands.

Why We Went to Spice Instead of Tomatillo

In about one time out of ten, when Peter and I go to a restaurant, we get there and the place is dark. It is dark because the place is closed on Mondays...wait, is it Tuesday? Yes, then it is closed Tuesday. We went over to the Inn at Pound Ridge a month ago to try their brunch, and even though I had checked their website, it was closed...under new management.

So today, we decided to go to Tomatillo for dinner - a celebratory Yay-Peter-Quit-His-Job-At-The-School-For-Idiots. We drove up to the place, and as Peter is pulling into a parking spot, I said, "Babe, it's closed."

As if in slow motion, Peter turned and said, "No, it's....Yes...it...is."

But then, seeing that the red was creeping up my face, like a Looney Tunes cartoon character, Peter quickly said, "Hey, let's not let this put us in a bad mood! Let's go somewhere else! Like...City LIMITS!! Yeah! OR Angelica KITCHEN! That sounds GOOD!"

How could we have made such a rookie mistake? I mean, what have we learned in the past nine years? Yes, we may have really great luck in that we are s'happy together, but it comes with a price, and the price is that we can never find parking right away, we always pick the wrong lane to be on in the highway - the one that doesn't move - and we CONSTANTLY get to a restaurant that is CLOSED.

Either Nothing is Wrong, OR You Will Be Blown To Bits

Recently, I was startled to find that a light had come on in the dashboard of our Honda Element. This always makes me really nervous, because I don't know anything about cars, and every time I bring my car to the dealership for service, I get reamed.

Once, when I complained that I felt that the mechanics were totally scamming me, my mother said:

"Since we don't know anything about cars, we don't have any other choice but to get scammed by mechanics. If you face that fact in life, you'll feel better about this."

This is the advice I grew up with folks. Very similar to:

"I'm sorry that Stephanie Foster kicks you under the table at school, but next year in first grade, you might have differently-shaped tables - or she won't be sitting next to you - that's something to look forward to!"

My parents really never went to bat for me, except when I came home from school after my last day of second grade without any homework. My father, convinced that I was a complete liar, drove me right back to the school where Mrs. Adams (who actually hit me on the head with a book out of frustration because I hadn't learned how to read yet - and of course, when I told my parents, they did not feel that this was anything earth-shattering) explained that IN AMERICA there was no homework during summer vacation. My father insisted that she give me some sort of assignment, so she rummaged around and gave me two workbooks.

Anyway, back to the car story. I looked up what that light symbolized in the car manual and it said:

"If the indicator comes on while driving, it means one of the engine's emissions control systems may have a problem...Continued operation may cause serious damage."

Then, in the next paragraph, it said:

"...the indicator coming on could be due to a loose or missing fuel fill cap. Tighten the cap until it clicks at least three times. Tightening the cap will not turn the indicator off immediately. It takes at least three days of normal driving."

So what do I do? Keep driving three days? Or bring it in to prevent SERIOUS DAMAGE?

We Don't Like Yanni

We were at Borders today and eavesdropping on a couple who were obviously on a first date. The guy was asking the girl what she thought about The Beatles, and she said that she's only heard a couple of songs by them, and wasn't very impressed. She then told him that she preferred New Age music.

"Okay," Peter said. "At this point, I would pay the bill and get up to leave."

"But I liked really crappy music before you introduced me to good music."

"Yeah, but you liked good crappy music. New Age is crappy crappy music."

You Are Your Own Cockblocker, My Friend

The last night of AWP, I was hanging out with Rob. He's the managing editor of a publication also, and he likes to make his own crafted books. During one of our conversations, I told him that I love Boston, the city where he lives, because that is where my favorite restaurant is located. I also told him that my favorite animal is the elephant and I have a mini elephant walk in my kitchen. He leaned back and carefully looked at me, a look that I have come to recognize as a "wow, you're kind of nuts" look. My sister gives me this look whenever I expound on my huge crush on Al Franken. He's goofy, smart and funny. Whenever someone gets me to laugh I get an automatic mini-crush.

"You collect elephants?" Rob said. "That's cute, because I do too."

All my life, I have never met a man who was interested in the things I was interested in also. I kind of imagined what life would be like if I had married someone just like me. I pictured afternoons filled with crafting things out of paper and string and traveling on expeditions where we brought home intricately carved wooden elephants. I guess it's never happened because they say "opposites attract" not "people living parallel lives attract."

Because of my insomnia, I was afraid to go to sleep and not wake up for my flight, so my brilliant idea was to stay up all night. This is something I pretty much do on a regular basis. Toward the end of the night, there was another girl there who kept asking me if I needed to go pack. I kept saying no, and in my delirious sleep-deprived condition, it didn't occur to me that she wanted to be alone with Rob.

At one point, Rob left to go to the men's room, and this girl leaned over to me and said, "Plue, do you know what a cockblocker is?"

I was extremely sleep-deprived at this point, so I couldn't hear very well, plus I wasn't really registering what she was saying. All I kept repeating was:

"What? What did you say?"

Then Rob returned, and half an hour later, I thought to myself, "Ohhhhh...cock...blocker..."

Yes, I know - totally delayed reaction...totally plue.

That was a really aggressive thing to say and it embarrassed me. I was embarrassed for the girl because I think she's strange, and embarrassed for me because I didn't even GET IT. And now she probably thinks I'm dense - which I am, so I guess she's right.

I thought back to when I was dating, and if I liked a guy, I would just turn to him, put a hand on his arm and say, "Hey, let's go take a walk." And by walk, I mean, "Let's go make out around the corner."

"That's because you're cute," Peter said, "For some girls, everything has to be aligned and just so, or it won't happen. Like, maybe if she was the ONLY girl around, and this guy FELT like he might be even a LITTLE horny, she might be able to get some."