Pizza Hut Pizza Mia

One thing about being married to a vegetarian is that we never eat at fast-food restaurants. The only way we keep up with what's going on in fast food is by the commercials on television. The other day, a commercial came on for The Pizza Hut Pizza Mia:

"3 Pizzas for $5 EACH!"

And Peter said:

"What kind of crap are they putting in those things?"

Should I Be Scared of Rocky?

A few days ago, a Doberman killed a baby in Brooklyn. The night I found out about it, I started freaking out and spent the next few hours googling "Dog Kills Baby" and reading EVERY story that popped up.

At first I was relieved, because the list of baby-killing dogs were:

Pitbull
German Shepard
Pitbull-mix
Doberman
Pitbull

But then an article popped up which shocked me -- a Pomeranian dog killed a baby a few years ago. In case you didn't know, a Pomeranian dog weighs about 6 lbs.

Then I googled "Labrador Kills Baby." Fortunately, I didn't find one case. Feeling brave, I googled "Siberian Husky Kills Baby" which yielded 2 results (although one of them was a Siberian/Shepard mix).

I started to look at my dogs, who are the sweetest dogs in the world, and wondered if a baby could make them snap. If the sight of a vulnerable, soft-headed baby could make them want to chew it up like a dog toy.

I walked over to the bedroom where Peter was, and asked him, "Do you think that one of our dogs could kill a baby?"

And he said, "Oh, I would NEVER trust a dog alone with a BABY!"

So I guess the answer was yes?

Most Disgusting Couple Post of the Year

Okay, I don't mean disgusting-gross, I meant disgusting-ughhhhhhhh.

Right before Christmas there was a BOMBARDMENT of celebrity perfumes ads and the most ridiculous one involves Charlize Theron tearing jewelry and clothes off her body and saying:

"J'aduhhhhhhhhhhhhh Diuhhhhhhhhhhh."

Makes me laugh EVERY time. That's brand-new comedy right there.

One time, after this commercial aired, I asked Peter:

"If I had a fragrance, what would it be called?"

"Heaven."

"Don’t you think that’s kind of prosaic?"

"It’s not your fault that you smell like Heaven."


I found a list of celebrity fragrances. Did you know that the Hulk had a fragrance? Although I believe his real title is "The Incredible Hulk." Ya think he splashes this on before putting on those purple pants?

Notes to Myself

I have a document on my desktop where I keep a running list of items I want to write about in this blog. I opened it today and there is a line that simply states:

"and shit"

Huh? When did I write this, and what does "and shit" represent? Some extremely funny story that I have long forgotten? Something I heard someone say in a context that was so hysterical that I had simply written these two small words down, certain I could never forget such a funny episode of my life?

Who knows now? It's lost to the cosmos.

Mental note to myself: Write more detailed notes to myself.

It's Not a DOLL! It's LLADRO!

All through Thanksgiving dinner, Peter's sister-in-law (his brother's wife, I guess that makes her MY s-i-l too) kept mentioning that she got me "THE PERFECT gift" for our house.

So after dinner, she pulls me into Peter's dad's bedroom and closes the door (as Peter's mother is on the other side). This makes me very nervous, and I went to re-open the door, but my sister-in-law whispers that this gift is SECRET.

Secret to who? The only people present were her family, Peter, me and Peter's mother. Because the door is closed and bolted, I become extremely nervous and can hardly focus on the gift, which she takes out of a ripped Banana Republic bag. Tina unrolls sheets upon sheets of bubble-wrap and reveals this:



I say, "Thank you, you didn't have to do that," and I give her a kiss on the cheek.

She kept standing there as if expecting more. So I thanked her again. And then she said:

"This is LLADRO. This is VERY GOOD."

I must confess that I must not have the woman gene that appreciates fine porcelain shaped into lovely young women. I do not enjoy Hummel dolls (I think they are creepy) and I think Precious Moments dolls are not very precious.

To be honest, I thought that the doll was cute, but I'm REALLY bad at reacting to my sister-in-law's gifts. I never give her the reaction she wants, probably because she gives me things that appeal to 80-year-old women. Plus, I was still a little freaked out about the locked door. I grew up in a house where we were taught that it is rude to lock a door in someone else's house (except the bathroom, of course). And lastly, I wondered a little if she gave me the geisha girl because I am Asian, and if she understands that I'm not actually Japanese.

No matter how many times I thanked her, she seemed really dissatisfied.

At the end of the evening, after everyone left, Peter told his mother that Tina gave us a gift and she said, "I know, she showed me. And she said that your wife didn't really like it."

If she was going to show Peter's mother the gift, why lock the door? I am still trying to figure this one out.

I said, "I like it, but I don't collect dolls."

Her response was:

It's not a DOLL! It's LLADRO!

(comedy side note: everyone pronounced it L-ADRO when the correct pronunciation is Y-ADRO)

I Am Being Indexed by Google!!

Today we were watching Liz Cho on ABCnews again, and yet again, she flubs her lines.

So I say to Peter, "Hey, let's compile a list of Liz Cho flubs and put them on YouTube every month."

He says, "Google Liz Cho flub."

"Why? Did someone do it already?"

I google "Liz Cho flubs" and guess what comes up?

MY BLOG!

And yet another thing I am s'proud of?

Google "Westchester Sucks" and you get THIS.

Happy New Year!

Peter and I went to my friend Hannah's New Year's party in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. At one point we wrote the things we wanted to get rid of on round paper lanterns which were thrown out the window at the start of the new year.

I wrote: My Stuff

Peter wrote: Body Fat (but on the lantern it looked like Baby Fat)

This is the year to conquer clutter!

Movie Round-up 2007!

Peter and I went to a lot of movies this year, and I am famous for my "sound effects" movie reviews. Someone asked me if I liked Vanilla Sky and I said, "Well, at first it was like ohm-em and then it went whaiiiir."

My friend's response was, "I don't know why, but I totally get what you mean."

Here are my list of movie critiques in order of must-see.

Year of the Dog completely conned us. The previews showed a cute movie about a woman who loved dogs. The movie was not a cute movie. It was about a suicidal woman who has PROBLEMS. RUN don't walk AWAY from this movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean was really confusing. Why did the goddess get turned into a human? And why did she grow to be a jillion feet big and turn into gajillion crustaceans? And the glass eye was one of the sacred coins? Did these writers just pull stuff out of their butts? Did not enjoy.

The Darjeeling Limited was worth seeing just because it looked great, but it was a bit of a mess script-wise. My favorite scene in the movie is the one where Adrien Brody (who I don't like) goes to get his father's car, which is still in the shop and isn't ready. He goes around the shop, crazy, trying to get the car going. He screams for items that he needs to fix the car, even though he doesn't have a clue and his brothers run around like mad trying to find the things that he needs. That scene embodies siblinghood. I can completely see me going crazy and demanding things at the top of my voice and my sisters running around trying to get them for me, just riding the wave of my hysteria until I calm down, because at that moment-- it's just what I need.

Margot at the Wedding was kind of excrutiating to watch because the characters are really terrible. I like Noah Baumbach's movies because they're so real, and I thought that the characters were interesting and terrible in their real human flaws. Each character made me think, "Oh my GOODNESS, that's ME!" at different times. And that mean criticizing mother played by Nicole Kidman made me miss my own grandmother. Ahh, memories.

The Bourne Ultimatum. The funniest part of going to see this movie wasn't even the movie. We got completely lost trying to find the theater because Peter is driving along, ladida, as if he knows where the theater is, and then ten minutes later, tells everyone in the car that he doesn't know where he's going. Luckily we had Garmina with us and she saved the day....again. As we walk into the screening room, we hear the commotion of an action sequence and someone is dead on the screen. My sister Jenny says, "Oh no! We missed the first murder!"

Superbad made me a bit nervous about raising kids in this day and age. I couldn't really get into this movie because I just don't think girls talk like that.

No Reservations. We took Peter's mother to see this movie and all throughout the movie she would yell, "I LOOOVE THIS MOVIE! This is a BEAUTIFUL movie!" And Peter would have to remind her that we are not sitting in her living room, and see all these other people in the theater? They are not interested in your opinion.

Michael Clayton had the best movie quote of 2007. "I'm not the guy you KILL. I'm the guy you BUY OFF! Are you so BLIND that you can't see that? I sold out Arthur for 80 GRAND. I'm your EASIEST problem and you try to KILL ME?"

American Gangster was a good movie, but I didn't think they needed Russell Crowe. I mean, aren't we tired of that sweaty-toothed-telephone-throwing cave man?

The Namesake reminded me of what it must have been like for my parents who came to this country and left their family behind. I grew up in Elmhurst and those scenes early on reminded me of Queens. I also identified with the scene where Kal Penn goes jogging in India. I remember when I was 15 I put on my gym shorts and ran on the streets in Taiwan. Everyone in the street stared at me like YOU ARE CR-A-ZY.

Knocked Up had one major flaw. That Katherine Heigl is just way too cute to EVER hook up with that guy -- I don't care how drunk she was. But other than that fatal flaw, it was a good movie.

Waitress made me want to go out and open up a pie shop.

Lars and the Real Girl is a modern love story. Although, whenever there are movies about these nice small towns, I wonder if everyone really is that nice, or are they all secretly racist?

Juno was my favorite movie this year. Whew! That was a lot of movies.

Merry Christmas!!

Hope you weren't naughty.

Keep Your Opinions to Yourself INFOMERCIAL!

Infomercial guy:

Body fat is so hard to get off and is really unattractive.

Peter:

Fuck YOU!

Donut Holes Are Our Friends

I discovered Ani's Raw Food Kitchen at the library and it has completely changed our lives. You have to try the most delicious dessert ever created. It's called Donut Holes.

It's the kind of recipe that calls for all sorts of things I wouldn't normally eat on its own. Before this recipe I thought I didn't even like almonds and dates. Now I realize that they are my friends because they form into this ball of deliciousness.

I think it's a great cookbook for kids and adults who act like picky kids.

We've been eating from this cookbook for the past few days, and at first, Peter was really excited about it and considering changing into a raw foodie. But then yesterday, he woke up and said, "Can we eat something today that isn't mush?"

Stuff You Just Can't Say

There are certain things that you just can't say when you want to remain friends with someone - and one of theses things is "Stop wasting our food!"

Yesterday, Peter's friend came over for breakfast and poured two cups of maple syrup all over his waffles.

I'm not a stingy person because if he actually ingested those cups of maple syrup, I would not have minded one bit. One time he came over and ate 75 ravioli and I just sat back marveling at this amazing accomplishment. I now introduce him to people as, "This is the guy who ate 75 RAVIOLI in one sitting."

But I felt this extreme sadness as I put his plate into the dishwasher and watched the torrent of wasted maple syrup slide down and form a sad puddle. We buy the good stuff, the stuff that costs twenty times the price of, let's say, an Aunt Jemima that is made up of sugar and high fructose corn syrup. I stand at the aisle in Whole Foods and go through several bottles to find the one that is the best price.

But how can you ask guests who come over to your house not to waste your food?

This same maple syrup thing has happened with another friend. Peter attributes it to the fact that most people buy the cheap stuff, so they don't realize that the syrup we buy is different. He thinks the way to combat this is to buy a bottle of Aunt Jemima to serve guests, which I think is so tacky. I want to serve the best to our guests.

My parents once had a friend who would serve watermelons to us, but only after she cut out all the sweet parts for her own family.

I think that there's no way to say anything like this to people in a nice way that would not make them mad. And of course, it makes me feel like a terribly negative person that this kind of stuff even bugs me.

Juno

Peter and I were watching the movie Juno, which is about a pregnant teenager who looks for parents to adopt her child.

At one point in the movie, she said:

I'm looking for a graphic designer in his mid-thirties who has an Asian girlfriend and who plays bass.

I looked at Peter and said, "THAT's US!"

Peter had a Rock Star stage, but he would probably call it more of a Rock Minor Satellite stage where he toured all over the western world and got all sorts of funky stickers to decorate his guitar cases.

The baby would definitely grow up cool if he grew up with us. At least there definitely would be stories in the house about how Daddy once saw the drummer from 311 bitch-slap the lead singer.

The baby would also grow up dorky, because let's face it, I'll be in the house.

I Created An Avatar

The penguin story:

When I was about two years old, I ran away from home while we were living in Tokyo. It was raining and my mother and I were at the laundromat next door. I offered to go home to get an umbrella and my mother said, "Sure!"

This led to me deciding not to go home and to walk to my grandparent's house located in another town that was three hours away BY TRAIN.

I still have vivid memories of this experience, one of them was passing a fire station about ten times, thinking to myself, "I was JUST HERE!"

I guess I had been walking around the block.

A few hours later, I met two old ladies who took me to their home to take a nap (I was exhausted). When they asked me my name, I mumbled it so they thought I had said, "Penguin."

"Penguin-chan? What a strange name!"

I didn't bother to correct them. I was returned to my parents EIGHT HOURS after I had run away. The entire police force in Tokyo had been out looking for me. That's how little crime they have in that city. It was probably the most exciting police action all year.

To this day my mother can't look at a penguin without thinking about this incident.

Poor This and Poor That

Tonight Peter said:

I was going to do this and that tonight, but now I'm so tired that I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that.

Helpful Google Elves

I've never made popovers before, but I saw Martha Stewart's show on popovers and decided to try making them.

I wanted to do a search on popovers, whether to slit or not slit the tops of them at the end of the baking process, so I did a Google search.

I put in "slit" and immediately the Google elves gave me several suggestions, and at the top were "slit wrists" and "slitting wrists."

Aren't those Google elves s'helpful?

Yes, We Did Black Friday -I'm Finally Ready to Talk About It

The day after Thanksgiving, we went to Woodbury Commons, which is the "Premier Outlet Store" in the area, for their huge blow-out all-night outlet sale.

We thought we were being smart, so we ended up taking a nap after the Thanksgiving dinner we ate at his mother's house. By the way, usually we have the dinner at around 3pm, but this year, his brother wanted to take off for home, which is in Albany, really early. He did not want to drive in the dark.

If any of you know the New York area at all, right after daylight savings time, the sun goes down at around 5pm, which means that Peter's brother's family would have to leave the house at around 1pm to drive home in the daylight.

So Peter's mother agreed to have the dinner at 1pm, so of course, Peter and I kept calling it lunch. Every time we said "lunch" Peter's mother had a conniption, and screamed:

"It's DINNER!"

Right. Dinner. At 1pm.

I guess we're having our midnight snack at 4pm.

Anyway, after we got home, we took a short nap and decided to get to the outlets at around 3am for the huge 12am-10pm blow-out sale with 40% OFF AT WILLIAMS-SONOMA!!!!

There are not many things we'll get our asses out of bed for, but 40% off already marked down prices for All-Clad? I haven't been this excited since we snuck out of the house in high school to see Alisha at Danceteria. Yes, it's better than seeing "All Night Passion" performed LIVE.

We figured the midnight crowd would have dissipated by 3am, I mean, shouldn't these people be in bed by 3am? We were convinced, night-owls that we are, that we could wipe the floor with the "normal" people.

Boy were we wrong. 3am and still not a parking spot to be had. It took us about half an hour just to get into the parking lot since there were a billion people trying to get in and trying to get out.

I came PREPARED with my shopping store sale printout, but it all proved to be fruitless.

40% off everything at Banana Republic?

Not for those who didn't want to stand in line for two hours in the frigid cold. I mean, a line for the Banana Republic? I mean, we're not fifteen anymore.

We got bounced around quite a bit and couldn't get into some of the stores we had planned on, but we did get a beautiful All-Clad pan, marked down from $500 to $125!

Peter also got a great Tumi laptop bag for about 60% discount!

All in all, it was a successful trip that paid for itself, but as we headed out of the outlet driveway being cut off by hundreds of SUVs, Peter said, "Well, I hope you enjoyed this because WE ARE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.

We'll see.

Santa Baby

Peter has the uncanny ability to detect any celebrity voice, so tonight I was channel-surfing and landed on the Lifetime channel for a few seconds.

"What show is Jenny McCarthy on right now?" Peter asked me from the kitchen.

"It's this show where she plays Santa's daughter and she goes home to REVOLUTIONIZE Christmas as we now know it."

Not realizing that this was a kid's show, he asks:

"Topless Christmases?"

Don't You Hate When THE MEDIA Does That?

I love how news programs and entertainment shows call paparazzi "the media" as if they are not "the media."

Another Kung Fu?

I always thought Speed Racer was Asian, maybe because he happens to be JAPANESE. I don't think that white people should play Asian characters.

But I guess Eddie Murphy was Dr. Dolittle, so what do I know?