Saturday, April 28, 2007

Celebrity Sighting

I have this uncanny knack of never recognizing anyone famous. My college art professor took us to the Whitney Museum one time, and since I wore these really uncomfortable shoes, I lagged behind everyone else and sat on a wooden bench alone in an exhibit room.

A man walked in. I looked over at him and thought to myself, "Wow, that guy looks just like Jack Nicholson...and he's even wearing sunglasses indoors."

A few minutes later, a stampede of women raced into the room, shouting, "Jack Nicholson's in the house! Jack Nicholson's in the house."

The point of this story? If I can't recognize Jack Nicholson, what good am I at celebrity sightings?

So far, I've not recognized Julie Andrews, Julianne Margolise, Jerry Seinfeld, and...oh yes, I walked right into Jimmy Fallon outside a Starbucks and didn't know it until Peter told me.

So last week, while we were in Manhattan, a man with a really shaggy mustache walked past the car and I said, "Hey look! That's Geraldo!"

Peter looked over and said, "That's really funny...Actually, I think that is Geraldo."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Mithery thuckth

Last week, right after my sister got her wisdom tooth pulled, I drove to the dentist's office to pick her up. I drove past the office by accident and had to pull around. As I made a U-turn, I saw someone waddling toward me, someone who was holding something to her face. She got a bit too close and I thought to myself:

"What is that retarded Hispanic girl doing? I she trying to get run over by me?"

After I did the U-turn, I saw the same girl turn around and waddle toward me and I realized that the retarded Hispanic girl was my sister.

Her face was so swollen that I didn't recognize her.

Later, during the car ride, she asked me if I had seen the movie, Babel and I said no, was it good?

She said:

"It wath a two-and-a-half hour ethplorathion into the depths of human mithery."

Thursday, April 19, 2007

What Would We Do Without the Internet?

Before the internet, we sang along to songs on the radio without knowing what the lyrics were. For instance:

Blinded by the light.
Revved up like a douch in the middle of the night.

This is what the Springsteen song lyrics are in actuality:

Blinded by the light
Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night

I do believe I like mine better.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Please Don't Flip For Me

My sister came over and we spent a really fun weekend applying ice packs to her recently removed wisdom tooth. Sometimes we have house guests who drive us crazy with their incessant demands and then Peter and I huddle in our bedroom whispering about how annoying they are. My sister was perfectly behaved. Peter was introduced to the joy of having a younger sibling around. Which means that we didn't have to get up off of our fat-asses to get a bottle of Aquafina from the fridge. Jenny, you go get that.

There was a Nor-easter blowing across the country so I actually woke up before noon - I woke up at 8am(!!!!!) to make her a nice breakfast and see her on her way before the heavy rains set in.

Two hours later, I get a phone call from her, and this is what she said:

"I got into an accident. The car flipped over twice and it's totally trashed, but I'm fine."

Of course, being raised the way I was, into thinking that ANYTHING happening to my siblings is somehow MY FAULT, my brain careened into all the different things I could have done differently (I was raised by people who told me that I was the only one who could cure my developmentally disabled sister).

Even though Jenny got into the worst car accident in the history of our family, I am extremely grateful that she's fine. That she escaped unharmed except for some smiley-face shaped bruises. Especially in the light of what happened in Virginia, and all those people who died during the storm, and all the flooding that has been going on around here, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Later I calmed down and realized that you can't control it all. Sometimes, you just have to take the car keys away. I've been trying to convince my parents not to let Jenny drive until she's thirty, because my heart? It just can't take this.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Is Anyone Up for Buffet?

Peter and I went to an Indian restaurant for their buffet lunch. The buffet is supposed to go on until 2:30pm, and we arrived at 2:00pm to find the last dregs of the day's lunch. No more food came out, and there were only unsatisfying bits of chicken in the Makhanwala - the only dish I really like.

Later, this HUGE guy in a blue parka takes a spoon from the Bhindi Masala and accidentally drops it on the floor.

What would you do in this situation?

1. Give the spoon to waitstaff.
2. Put the spoon on the table.
3. Put the spoon back into the food.

The dude put the spoon BACK INTO THE FOOD!!!!

I looked around the room, expecting the waitstaff to whisk the pot away and appear with a fresh pot. But the only waitstaff who saw the man do this looked around with confusion, and then decided to ignore the whole thing altogether.

Needless to say, Peter and I are no longer going back to this restaurant.

Okay, so now we no longer go to the Indian Restaurant in Mount Kisco (closing down one hour early incident), The Flying Pig Restaurant (gross chicken bits incident), Temptation Tea House (rude waitress incident), Cosi (bad waitress incident), Bangkok Thai (chicken in Peter's vegetarian Pad Thai incidents - twice!), Pizza & Brew (lower food quality incident), and many other restaurants in Westchester because the food just isn't really very good.

The list of restaurants we won't frequent again just grows and grows.

And you know the grossest part of the whole lunch? The guy who put the dirty spoon back into the pot went back for seconds! Using the same dirty spoon!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Next Time I Will Say Jambo!

I was walking down Stanton Street today in downtown Manhattan and a black guy walking in the other direction said, "Ahnyeeahsayo."

First of all, I am NOT Korean. Secondly, I do not look Korean. This annoys me about ten times more than when people say "Kombahnwah," to me. And twenty times more than when people say, "Ni-hoooooooow."

Yes, I am ASIAN. But I am AMERICAN.

Next time a black guy says hello to me in an Asian language, I am going to say to him:


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Countdown to HOUSEGUESTS!!!!

Peter and I have finally gotten around to finishing up the bathroom project - or rather, the nice people we have hired to put in the new bathroom are almost finished.

I am very excited, especially because this means that now everything that needs to be painted has been painted. And everything that needs to be bought has been bought. Now I can set everything up to our liking, just in time to move out...just kidding.

We already have a waiting list full of people ready to come over and have my very delicious sour cream lemon pancakes for brunch the next day. (C'mon, I don't get up early enough to have actual BREAKFAST)

Plus, we are walking distance from TARGET!!!! Isn't that enough of a reason to visit?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Cate Blanchett is Great, I Just Haven't Seen Any of Her Movies

I asked Peter yesterday who his favorite actress was and he said, "Cate Blanchett."

I said, "Oh, really? Name one movie she's done that you've seen."


"You can't think of one?"

"What? Should I say Sandra Bullock, just because I've seen ALL of her CRAPPY movies?"