Tuesday, April 28, 2009

GOOD Time?!

This past weekend we invited Peter's mom over to our apartment. I made sure that I was home the entire time she was here, because last time we went out to do a little shopping and I came home to find my jewelry box propped open in my underwear drawer. 

I understand that when a mother-in-law comes to visit some snooping may go on, but c'MON! My underwear? You touched my underwear? You KNOW I had to wash everything again.  

Peter said that it was embarrassing on a few levels. 1. because his mother is cuh-razy and 2. the quality of the jewelry in my box. 

Most of that is my fault because I don't really want fancy baubles and I like silly plastic rings with snow globes on them. Although we did chuckle a little at the idea of his mom lifting up my plastic snow globe ring and thinking, "What the HELL?"

This visit went reasonably well except that she kept asking questions every freaking second.

"Where's the flush to your toilet?"
(on the side of the toilet--just like hers)

"What's that noise?"
(the mailman)

"What's THAT noise?"
(the front door)

"What's that noise?"
(the upstairs neighbor)

"What's that noise?"
(me turning on the water faucet)

"What's that noise?"
(the horribly ugly chiming clock you gave us)

"Can you turn off that clock chime?"

Do you get the pattern? 

Then, in the middle of the night, I went to the bathroom and when I opened the door to leave, I saw a scary figure luring in the darkness and I SCREAMED. It scared the BEJESUS out of me. I no longer have any more bejesi because they have all been scared out of me. 

It was my mother-in-law, standing right outside the bathroom door. Why in the world would anyone wait for the bathroom outside the door? I mean, it's not like she needed to beat Peter to the line at 4am in the morning. Any normal person would have listened and waited until I was done. After all, her hearing has been proven to be quite acute.

Apparently, she couldn't sleep, what with all the NOISE in our noisy apartment full of noise made by noisy people living a noisy life. 

Other than the loss of all the bejesi, I thought that the visit went really well. Peter made this awesome pizza and he made delicious corn pancakes for breakfast and we had pasta with homemade pesto made out of our delicious basil plants. 

The next day, when we dropped her off, I turned to her and asked her, "Did you have a good time?"

She kind of did a guffaw kind of thing and snorted and said, "GOOD time?!?" As in, yeah right!" 

This kind of stunned me, because I thought that we were perfect hosts. And also, even if you didn't have a good time, even if we had spent the whole visit pressing toothpicks into your fingernails, the polite thing to do is to say, "Oh yes! It was wonderful!"

She must have seen the look on my face and she rapidly backtracked and said, "Well, I like spending time with Peter...and with you..."

At least she's learning now that she needs to backtrack when she says something shitty...that's progress!!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Just Who is Ashton Kutcher, Anyway?

So who is Ashton Kutcher, anyway? 

He's this guy who did a TV show and a movie with Amanda Peet and then he married Demi Moore and now he's got a Twitter page that a million people are following. 


And he looks like he's got very silky skin? 

What do you mean? 

His cheeks look silky. 

I guess, but WHO is he? 

Uhm... I don't know, but he's also a twin. I think he kinda sucked all the good parts in the womb and his twin is all messed up and Ashton Kutcher's perfect. 

Oh.....So he's the Devil, then.

How can you say that? 

That's something that the Devil does. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Grey Depressing Gardens

This past Saturday I wanted to watch the HBO film "Grey Gardens." Of course, we don't have HBO...but Peter's mother does. So I suggested that we make our weekly visit this time on a Saturday. 

Thinking back on this, I should have warned both Peter and his mother about what this movie was about--which means--it's about CRAZY ladies!!

When the movie first started and my mother-in-law saw that it was starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange, she said, "Ohhh!! This is going to be GOOD!" 

And then...

Yes, the two ladies morph into a sad pile of cat-keeping ice cream-eating recluses. This is very far from the kind of movie that the two of them were prepared for--causing Peter to turn to me in the middle of the movie and say, "Why CATS?"

Interpretation: "Why do crazy people keep cats?"

I really don't know. 

At the end of the movie, Peter and his mom were completely traumatized and Peter was all, "You KNEW what this movie was about and you didn't give us ANY HEADS UP? That's so NOT COOL."

And yet, even though it wasn't cool--it was kinda funny. Actually no. Make that REAL funny. 

Friday, April 17, 2009

Cat Clipping

As I've said before, I'm not really a cat person, so when this little creature came up to us in the parking lot, no one could be more surprised than I am that she's still here. 

I don't know much about cat care, but she's been pretty good. She doesn't scratch on our things (so far) or do anything other than hang out in her bed and run away from me when I approach her. 

Lately she's been pawing at our dogs and her claws are SHARP! She took a swipe at me the other day when I tried to adjust her while she was positioned wrong on the toilet and I came away with a bloody hand. I don't want to the dogs to get hurt so I've been reading up on what to do. 

Peter's last cat had been declawed and he said that it completely changed his personality. I asked a couple of my friends with cats and everyone is pretty mixed on the declawing issue. Some people think it's deplorable, others say that their veterinarians have told them that there's nothing wrong with it. I have one friend who said that she left her cat with her mom one time when she had to go on vacation and she came home to discover that her mother had gone ahead and declawed the cat. 

"This is why I NEVER leave anything with my mother anymore," she said. "I come back and it's broken!"

I've been clipping her claws and I think it makes them less like tiny knives and more like tiny not-as-sharp pencil points. But it's still scary to think that she'll go at the dogs with those pencil points. I might try the plastic claw tips and do more research on declawing. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

No More Cupcakes

For Easter Sunday, I decided to make very delicious carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting topped with a colored chocolate egg. They were so cute! 

Of course, when dessert time rolled around, only Paul, Peter's nephew, had one. He's the only one who ever eats anything I bring, which is why I like him the best. After I mentioned the cupcakes for the third time, Peter's brother's wife said, "I'll take them home."

When you read between the lines, she's saying, "I'd rather eat these dried-out pastries I bought at the store than your freshly-baked cupcakes made lovingly with organic ingredients. But if you insist, I will bring them home with me and throw them out later." 

Peter has beseeched me time and again to not make anything to bring to the dinner table. But I always do, because it makes me happy to make something. The thing is, he always gets really upset when people completely ignore what I bring and then go on and on over some yucky desserts they bought at some no-name bakery. This time, on the way home, he asked me to please not to bring anything over there anymore. 

Although, I don't know when we'll see them again. The good news was that Peter's sister called a few hours before dinner started to let his mom know that she wasn't coming. Apparently, her husband's gout flared up. I didn't even know he had gout. Every time she makes these health excuses for her family it just gets worse and worse. When she didn't make it to my bridal shower she said that everyone had the flu and they were throwing up all over the house. But we all knew that she was fine since we found out later (Peter's mom blabbed) that they went to PA to visit her stepdaughter at her college.  

Unfortunately for us, that meant that Peter's brother and his wife focused all their attention on us and why we are so misguided to vote for Barack Obama, who will drive the economy to the ground and bankrupt the entire nation, leaving our grandchildren to a life of dirt-eating and begging on the streets of Calcutta--therefore, we should watch Bill O' Reilly's show to get the REAL facts. 

It's okay if you don't want to eat my cupcakes, but if you want me to take you remotely seriously, you really can't bring up Bill. 

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Is That What You're Wearing?

Today I asked Peter what he was wearing to Easter dinner tomorrow. 

He answered with a smirk and a roll of the eyes. 

"So you're wearing a look of annoyance?" I said. "You know what? I think I might put on that EXACT SAME OUTFIT tomorrow."

Friday, April 10, 2009

Movie Star Legs

Peter and I went to see the play, "God of Carnage." I got the tickets because I LOVE Hope Davis and think that she is awesome (Jeff Daniels, Marcia Gay Harden & James Gandolfini are also in it).

We were pretty stressed out by the time we got there because, although we left the house 1.5 hours earlier (it usually takes us half that time to get downtown), we were still cutting it close. Plus, we got into the biggest fight in the car. And then we had the most ridiculous parking experience ever created (which I will be posting about tomorrow).

So, by the time I got to the theater, I was pretty huffy and puffy. I showed my ticket to the usher and although my seat was only about 5 seats in from the middle, this bouncer-type usher person insisted that I get to my seat from the left side, across about 10 people who were already seated. 

I started to argue with him, pointing out that it would be much easier to get past the four skinny people seated at the other side of the aisle instead of the ten rather corpulent people on the left side. 

During this time, I kept pointing at the aisle and the bouncer/usher was all, "NO WAY. GO TO THE OTHER SIDE. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING IN THE LOGICAL WAY."

The skinny people kept looking at me like, "Why is that lady pointing at us and arguing with the usher?"

And the corpulent people? They were SO unhappy to have to move any more than they had to and I had to wade through their force field of unhappiness. They were harrumphing and grumpling left and right. 

Then, when Peter got to the theater, they made him do the same thing and I told him about the stupid bouncer/usher person I had a fight with. 

"That's Kevin Spacey sitting right there," Peter said. "That's probably why they didn't want you to go that way."

Apparently, one of the skinny people was a movie star. 

What makes those movie star legs so fancy that they can't move aside to let people get to their seats?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

MY David Letterman

Tonight Julia Roberts was on David Letterman and Peter said to me, "I guess she must really like him and that's why she's always so flirty with him. Even though he must be about twenty years older than her."

"I could see myself being flirty with Jon Stewart. I guess he would be my David Letterman," I said. 

"Uh. No.... Jon Stewart's not THAT old."

"Well, then who would be MY David Letterman?"

"David Letterman."

Why is it that I'm so much younger in MY MIND than I am in REALITY?

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Kitty Toilet Training Update

The kitty pooped in the tub today. 


That's right. This is so upsetting that I'm reduced to expressing myself through dialogue from a bad Archie comic book. 

I simply don't understand this. She's been doing everything fine for the past two weeks. I guess sometimes she just says to herself, "I am NOT doing THAT today. I'm just not." 

I don't know why she takes these random stands. I'm afraid of reprimanding her too much because she might decide she wants to poop on our bed instead of the bathtub. Although that would just make the decision to throw her out the window that much easier. 

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Timeless Celebrity Craziness

My friend Andrew and I were talking on the telephone the other day and we LOVE to gossip about celebrities. One time, he had gotten me a subscription to The National Enquirer, not only for the gossip, but also for the crossword puzzles that are easy enough that even I can complete them and of course, The BLUE DOT! 

And if you don't know about the blue dot, then you've never cracked open a National Enquirer. 

After Andrew got me that subscription for my birthday, I started to get all this crazy junk mail. Apparently, a National Enquirer reader is the target audience for porcelain kitten statues and hideous garments from a myriad of ugly clothing manufacturers. 

One of the things I miss about living in Mount Kisco is that the library carried the National Enquirer. It really is the only library I've ever been in which carried that periodical. I used to stop by on my way to the post office to read the current issue. 

For some reason, the library had the current issue, but no back issues you could take out. So you would always have to get to the library each week to look at the gossip. And would it make me seem ridiculous when I admit that when the next Monday rolled around and I had missed last week's issue, I would actually be a little sad? 

Anyway, we were talking about the Miley Cyrus and I said,

"Well, before you know it, her parents will be pimping her out just like Alyssa Milano's parents did in the eighties."

To which Andrew replied:

"We should start a new blog that compares today's celebrity craziness with celebrity craziness in the past. We could call it Celebrity Craziness--Yesterday and Today."

I'm sure lots of people would be interested in comparative essays on celebrity gossip. 

Monday, April 06, 2009

Conversation About Easter

Me: So, who's going to be there for Easter?

Peter: I don't know.

Me: What do you mean, you don't know? That's all your mom talks about for weeks before everybody gets here. 

Peter: Well, I try not to pay attention to her. Anyway, why do you need to know?

Me: Because I want to know. So I can prepare myself. 

Peter: I have no idea who is coming. 

Me: Really. You have absolutely no idea. I find that hard to believe. I think you just don't want to tell me. That's fine. Because when I don't make enough cupcakes, you can tell your niece and nephew that they don't get any because their Uncle Peter told his wife that they weren't going to be there. 

Peter: Oh. They're going to be there. 

Me: Then you have an idea of who's going to be there? 

Peter: I might. 


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

This Makes Me Happy All Day

I think that I can understand a little bit about parenthood, just from dealing with my new kitten. 

We've been trying to toilet-train her for the past few weeks and have now gotten to the point where there's merely a small rim of litter underneath the toilet seat. I was afraid that when we took away the second-to-last toilet litter kwitter ring, that we were going to have an upset. 

The last time we moved one stage over, Meow Meow showed us her displeasure by pooping on the bathroom floor, then not pooping at all for three whole days, then pooping in the bathtub, and of course, pooping in her scratch pad. 

But this time, so far so good, she's been pooping (and peeing) into the toilet--YAY!!

And then the rest of the day, every time I thought about the kitty, it made me smile. I caught myself with the biggest grin on my face as I was driving home from Trader Joe's and I thought, "Wow. The fact that my cat pooped in the toilet makes me happy ALL DAY. Is that normal?"