Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dirty Rocky

This is what happens when we let the dogs outside a day after it rains:

Did I mention that he's a WHITE Siberian Husky?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Scout from the 70s

I am in love with my iphone because I can take photos like THIS.

Monday, April 18, 2011

You Spin Me Right Round

Right now my arms feel like they're about to fall off, my hands are shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach--I even have the shakes. What happened to me? I just failed my first spin class.

This class felt like TORTURE. And it's not only because that teeny-tiny seat just about dug right into my lady parts. I'm still feeling the burn.

Just ten minutes into the class, I felt like getting out--and the worst part was I didn't even know how long the class was going on. We cycled like super-crazy, then we got up and cycled standing up for five whole minutes--the longest five minutes of my life, then we were supposed to hunch over and cycle some more like crazy, still balancing on our feet.

On my way home from the workout I called my sister Jenny.

Me: I just took my first spin class.

Jenny: That's great! Wasn't it super-fun?

Me: No, it was TORTURE.

Jenny: What? Did you tell the instructor it was your first class?

Me: Yes, and all she said was--"Good luck keeping up! Ha. Ha. Ha."

Jenny: She's supposed to make sure that you're seated in correctly and show you how the resistance levels work.

Me: My arms feel like they're about to fall off and my hands are shaking.

Jenny: That's not good. I think you're seat was too high. There's NO REASON why your arms should hurt. Your legs should hurt. That instructor doesn't sound very good. I think you should try it again with another instructor.

Me: I'm NEVER trying this again. The whole time I was on the bike, I was all, "I HATE THIS. Why do people like this?"

Jenny: No, you should come to my gym. I have a great instructor and it's really fun if you do it right. I have to show you because it seems like you were supporting yourself with your arms and hands and you're really supposed to be working your core.

Me: I didn't know that! I wasn't working my core at all! Sucky Westchester lady's gym! Y'know, I took a Zumba class there too and it was all over the place.

Jenny: Oh, Young is a great dancer and she can't do Zumba. That's for pros.

Me: Okay, I'll try a class with you with a GOOD instructor and see if I like it. I definitely think I was doing something wrong because my lady parts are all sore too.

Jenny: Oh THAT? That's normal. You're just going to have to get used to it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dog Food Hoarder

I love Trader Joe's, but the one thing that drives me a bit nutty about that store is that sometimes for no good reason, they decide to discontinue something that I have grown to love with no warning. That happened to Oregon Chai, those yummy spicy papadums, those really crazy delicious garden burger chicken patties, to name just a few. I mean, with no warning? That means that there's no time to hoard supplies.

The one thing that I have CONSTANT paranoia about is the Bench & Field holistic dog food.

Yes, I feed my dogs holistic dog food. Why? Because when Scout was a puppy, she used to have an explosive diarrhea problem. I tried several different kinds of food including Iams, Nutro, and PHD dog food and it wasn't until we moved to Westchester that I picked up a bag of Bench & Field dog food on a lark and...discovered...that Scout's poop no longer just pooled on the sidewalk whenever she squatted down. Try picking that made us VERY popular neighbors back in the Queens days.

Another reason I like buying the Bench & Field food is that the company is great. About five years ago, there was a problem with a Bench & Field shipment to our local Trader Joe's and I called Bench & Field in a panic. The customer service person calmed me down and told me that she would overnight a bag of dog food to me FOR FREE.

Scout is two months away from being 12 years old and she's in great shape. In fact, every time I tell people she's 12, they marvel at how great she looks. Both of my dogs are in super condition (knock on wood) and I know that this food plays a large role in this.

We really cannot be without this dog food. In fact, just last year when Peter and I went to Denver, I got a call at about 6am in the morning and one of the poor boys at the dog kennel said that Scout's poops were getting a bit soft, so he gave her a special veterinary dog food and now she was exploding poop all over the place and he wanted to call in a doctor ASAP.

After I talked him down from the cliff, and believe me, I understand that cliff. I talked Peter down from that same cliff when Scout was still a puppy and I had left Peter alone with the care of this puppy for the first time. As soon as the plane touched down, I called to tell Peter I had landed safely and his first words to me were:


Apparently, when Peter came back from dropping me off at the airport, Scout had exploded diarrhea all over her dog kennel, rolled around in it and shook it all over our bedroom. It was all over our carpet, our bed, our walls...Peter said after he gave Scout a bath and cleaned up the mess he couldn't even look at her. He was THIS CLOSE to taking her back to the breeder.

So with this kid from the dog kennel, I explained that his first mistake was taking Scout off the Bench & Field dog food and to put her back on it IMMEDIATELY. She probably got a bit anxious so had a few soft poops and then he totally exacerbated the situation by taking Scout off the only food that has ever made her not explode feces out of her ass.

She was totally fine when we went to pick her up.

Last month, every time I went to our local Trader Joe's they didn't carry the Bench & Field dog food. Not only that, but there was a strange new bag of TRADER JOE brand holistic dog food, which is something they do sometimes. They take away the brand that you have grown to love and trust and put in an imposter TRADER JOE usurper.

Of course, I kind of flipped out. I ordered a huge bag from Amazon, went to another Trader Joe location and picked up about 10 bags of dog food. Peter thought I was going nuts. But my response was, "Hey, this has been working for us for the past 13 years. It's TOO LATE to get this dog used to something new!"

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Passive-Aggressive Are We?

So the other day, I was outside waiting for Peter to come out of the house so we could go out for lunch when one of my neighbors across the street--no, not the one who left huge snowpiles in front of my house...and not one of the ones who wrote me douchey notes about parking in front of their houses.

That's right--that's TWO neighbors who have written me notes about not parking in front of their houses. Is that Kah-razy or what? It's a PUBLIC STREET people!! Well, even though it's a public street, I don't want to park my car in front of people's houses if I'm going to find notes on my car, it's more aggravation than it's worth. (Unlike my sister, who would totally be parking in front of that person's house every chance she got, because she's just like that.)

Anyway, I was parked in front of yet another neighbor's house--why? Well, our driveway ramp needs to be fixed because we no longer have our cute Honda Element due to all the 800 blind spots that kept causing me minor hear attacks every time I tried to merge into traffic because there were hidden cars that suddenly appeared as if out of nowhere being driven by extremely angry people who would honk and curse at me. Hey! It wasn't my fault!! It was the Honda Element blind spot! I once nearly ran over a lady because I stopped at a stop sign, looked at the street and no one was on it. I proceeded to drive--and apparently a thin woman was totally hidden by the metal between the windshield window and the passenger window of the Element. She screamed at me and I was all, Hey! I didn't see you! It's not me, it's this car!

Basically, if you see an Element on the road, STAY CLEAR! And if you're crossing the street in front of an Element, WATCH OUT!

Oh, did I digress again? Sorry!

Every time we go up and down the ramp of our driveway, it scrapes the undersides of our cars--and we like to keep our mufflers ON our cars. So, it's not a huge priority to fix this, but for now, we're parking on the street.

So I was waiting for Peter to come out of the house when I see the neighbor and three middle-school-aged girls get out of his Highlander. Then he faces his kids and shouts really loud, "I WOULD HAVE PARKED ON THE STREET BUT SSSOOOOMMMMEEEEBBBBOOOODDDDYYYY TOOK MY SPOT!" Then he ran into his house.

My ears heard his shouting, but my brain hadn't processed what he had said yet, so my first thought was: Wow, he really is super-mad at his daughter--and why does he need to shout at her in public?

Then a few moments later, my brain finally kicked in and I was all: He was passive-aggressively communicating with ME!

I mean, what a COWARD! Not only does he not have the balls to just come over to me and say, "Stop parking in MY SPOT." He ran into his house after his outburst like a total pussy!

I've mentioned before that it's not difficult to find parking on my block. At most, you'll be one or two houses down from yours. In Queens where I grew up, you're lucky if you can see your apartment from the parking spot you find. So you have to walk a few feet to get to your house. Is that any reason to get so worked up?

The fact is, people ALWAYS park in front of my house, which is why I have to park in front of OTHER PEOPLE'S houses!! See how that works? And by the way, that guy who screamed before he ran into his house? His wife is always parking her car in MY SPOT. I should totally scream at her. What a BITCH.