I'm Special

I took my sister to get Jamba Juice today and ordered two small juices. She got hers and then when it was my turn, the juice-maker guy handed me a medium size, which is practically double the size that I ordered. I looked at it, then looked at my sister's, then looked at my receipt.

The juice-maker guy smiles at me and says:

I know you ordered the small, but you're special!

When we left the store, Jenny said:

I loved your reaction to that, it was like, "Thanks for noticing!"

Bathroom Conversation

Why are there two tubes of toothpaste in the medicine cabinet?

Because one of them is finished.

Why didn't you throw out the old tube of toothpaste?

I saved it for you.

...why?

You're a squeezer of greater patience and capacity than I am.

A Normal Person

We are going to Florida in about two weeks and we're trying to find a new dog kennel in the area to house the dogs. There are several places near Mt. Kisco, but they all want to charge you two arms and a leg to board. So, during an investigative internet search, I came across this place called Carmel Country Kennels. The price was attractive, but it is about thirty minutes away according to Mapquest. Today, we traveled to Carmel to check it out.

It was sort of a nightmare trip, complete with crazy downpours of rain, arguments with the Garmin (We did not go where she told us to go and for revenge, she picked every non-paved dirt road for us to navigate. Garmina is SUCH a bitch), and about ONE HOUR later, we finally arrive at the kennel.

Peter drives up to what we think is the office, and there's lettering on the door that says HONK YOU CAR HORN. I'm wondering, do we honk? Where's the front desk? Also, he's driven a bit too far in, and the bit of pavement is a bit narrow so he tries to U turn.

A lady appears at the doorway and Peter lowers our windshield to say to her:

"It just took us a solid hour to get here!"

She says in her ratty chain-smoker voice:

"Instead of trying to make a U, why don't you back out LIKE A NORMAL PERSON."

Of course, we are already having reservations about making this terrible drive ever again, the place looked kind of unkempt and now there's this rude lady.

Peter, like a NORMAL PERSON, backs out of the little paved area, drives down the gravel road...all the way home.

Fletch Lives Around Mount Kisco

For the 4th of July, Peter and I invited my parents, my grandmother, and my sisters to our home. We spend every 4th of July with my parents for the simple fact that - for some reason - it's the one day that they close down the restaurant.

It was also the first time I had anyone in my family besides my sister Jenny over at the new place. I was a bit embarrassed because there are cable wires masking taped all over the condo and three huge server machines in the dining room. I almost didn't want them to come over, because I wanted to wait until the place looked perfect.

But the funny thing was that my parents didn't even seem to notice them. It's like when you have a glaring pimple on your forehead, and you are convinced that everyone is grossed out, but when you mention it, they just go, "Oh, I didn't even see it."

For dinner, we went over to La Camelia, a restaurant that is literally around the corner from where we live.

I've been wanting to try it for quite some time, but the last time Peter and I walked over there, it was crazy packed and when I asked them if they had any vegetarian meals, the host said, "Of course, we have vegetarian paella, salmon..."

Right, since salmon is our favorite VEGETABLE. Peter turned tail and ran out of the place.

As it turned out, on July 4th, they did have a couple of vegetarian things and Peter ate and was very happy. The food was really good and everyone had a good time.

Toward the end of the meal, I look up and I see a tall guy and I say to myself, "Wow, that guy looks a lot like Chevy Chase, except he's really old. I mean, he's even wearing a safari vest just like in his movies."

I look over at Peter and he whispers in my ear, "That's Chevy Chase."

I tell him that the guy looks way too old and Peter says, "Chevy Chase IS old."

It was funny, because Chevy Chase walked around the restaurant, scoping out the diners, to see if there would be anyone who would hassle him before letting the waiter show him to a table.

My sister Jenny said, "Well, if he didn't want to be recognized, he shouldn't wear his safari vest, because then he's just ASKING FOR IT."

A Bad News First Person

I bought two seedless watermelons from Costco last week and the other day I opened one up. It was one of those over-ripe ones, no crispness, just a mouthful of what we called in my family, "whoo whoo," which means something that makes your mouth feel like it's full of wet sand.

Two days after the unfortunate watermelon incident, I opened up the other one, which was as sweet as the other one was "whoo whoo."

I told Peter that we should have opened this one first, and he said that would have been worse.

"Because then we would be looking forward to opening up the other watermelon, thinking that it was going to be as good as this one, and we would have been WAY MORE DISAPPOINTED."