I Almost Killed a Baby...But it was Her Mother's Fault

Last week, I took my (cell phone) loser sister to get a new cell phone. It was December 28, a day that will live on in infamy as The Worst Day to Travel to New York City. I spent about five hours stuck in traffic moving about a half-inch every ten minutes.

At one point, I wanted to make a left turn and although the light had just turned green for me, a lady with her toddler walking right behind her decided to push her way across the street. As soon as she passed my car, I step on the gas. At that moment, the lady throws her baby back in front of my car and by some miracle of God, my peripheral vision catches this and I slam on the brakes. Generally, when people walk past my car, I am not expecting them to come back and throw their baby under my tires.

I was inches away from killing her baby and Jenny, who was sitting in the passenger's seat said, "I was already bracing myself for the impact."

She demonstrated this by making a sad face and smooshing her head against the headrest. It was kind of a cute sad face, a face that said, "If I hadn't lost my cell phone, then my sister would not be driving me to the Verizon store and your baby would still be alive."

I couldn't help but put both hands to my face as I watched the mother pick up her daughter and move back onto the sidewalk. She and I stared at each other, and in that moment we both recognized what could have happened.

The lesson I have learned is this: If you have a stupid mother, just be thankful that you got out of childhood alive. Because when you were too young to remember, she might have thrown you in front of oncoming traffic.

I was still getting my bearings, but because this is New York City, everyone behind me started honking like crazy. Because it's THEIR TURN to move another half-inch and they don't want to lose their opportunity.